These days I wonder what I’m doing here, and like always, I say: “Shouldn’t I just ditch all this and go to art school?” Or writing school… or whatever. I always get in this mood in the winter, or when I’m unhappy with my current job choice, or if I feel like things are too hard. But for sure even if I did just “ditch reality” and go to art school, in the winter, I would hate art school, and then say “Can’t I just ditch this and go back to studying religion?”

Sigh. What a dilemma. Either way, I really need to get on the ball with this career business. If I’m going to get a masters, I should probably figure out what it’s going to be IN, shouldn’t I?

Though I guess I can’t rush it. That’s why I came out here in the first place. But sometimes I feel like my brain is rotting a bit. Atrophy. Ugh. Or something like that.

My students made me really angry yesterday, but I think I should be okay afterwards. My Monday classes have almost all the troublemakers in them, so after Monday I’m free, you know? But hooo, they put some students together that REALLY should not be together. They were really good last week, because they didn’t know each other yet… but now they’re progressing back to the “little devil” stage. Blah. I think I was actually dreaming about holding a baby last night… I really want some quality little-person snuggle time.

Anyway. Here we go.

One thought on “Sigh.”

  1. A Somali baby? 🙂

    We all think the secret to happiness is outside of ourselves, in finding the perfect place / person / job. It's not. It's in realizing we already have everything we need to be happy inside us. You can experience moments when you understand this – in a place, a sense of oneness and belonging; with a person or a community, a sense of connection and stimulation and acceptance; in work, with being in creative flow, or just in feeling in sync with the ordinary rhythms of daily life. But it is a very difficult realization to achieve or sustain. That's why people practice being still and paying attention through meditation. You know this, but what I don't think you know is that your discontent is not a flaw in your character. It may be more noticeable in your temperament, but it is the product of consciousness, and we all have to come to terms with it. I know this because I fail at it every day. One of your dad's favorite playwrights, Samuel Beckett, has a great quotation I try to remember when this happens. "I try. I fail. I try again. I fail better."

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